Jamsheed’s Corner: Lezcapades

October 26th, 2007

Am I not a hot beast? (Insert a Barry White song and say the next couple of lines very slowly). Mmmmmm, hot like a perfectly made burrito from Chipotle with those tender juicy mouth-watering nuggets of steak, a hot piece of bagel with whipped Trader Joe’s cream cheese, lox, tomatoes, and avocado perfectly placed on the hot piece of bagel with a dash of salt? Jamsh gets them all …

Just the other night I was cutting a rug over at a swanky LA nightclub when I was approached by a rather tall woman. She came up to me and said “You look like the woman in my paintings.” Being that I was tossed on a few tequila cranberries, I carried on with this interesting conversation. We discussed how we were both artists. She lived in NY and was just visiting LA. Then out of nowhere she says “I think you’re gorgeous, you should take down my number.” I already had my Blackberry out and before I could even mutter out an uhh umm well um, she grabbed my BB, entered in her digits and then texted herself. She then looks up at me and says “Just to clarify, I am very interested in you.” Um ok thanks bye. I had to say something so I didn’t look like a retard douche bag, so I said “Where are you going after your stay in LA. She says hesitantly, “I am going to New Zealand” I asked why and there was just silence. I thought she didn’t hear me so I asked again a little louder. Silence. Then a smirk forms and she says “Umm I am going to visit my girlfriend.”

I am hungover and tired of writing … long story short I did some googlin’ and found that her girlfriend is the very same lezi actress goin to jail for 6 months for a little drinking and driving (her name rhymes with Lichelle Fodriguez), and that her tall ass is a Victoria’s Secret model. Oh yeah and that I am hot. Slap my ass and tickle my nipple. Actually don’t touch my nipples. I’m not that into it.

I end with Jamsheed’s DOITDOIT of the day: If you work in front of a computer all day long, punch your fist through that shit, go get a Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell (no meat, no sour cream, extra beans). Take that shit home, eat it, then watch porn (definitely do not do that at the same time. I got sick once), then masturbate, then take a nap.

Btw, I am hungry.

(*Cultist does not necessarily share the views of Jamsheed and cannot be held accountable for any offense, lawsuits, or violent spasms occuring as a result of these posts. )

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