Jamsheed’s Corner: Eat It

November 10th, 2007

People ask why I talk about food so much. Why not? All you fuckin skinny rexi wanna be perfect hookers are just denying yourselves the best shit on the planet. I’ve tried to be one of those hookers. Just a bit ago I started the Atkins diet. This is where you eat high amounts of protein and no carbs. Oh, and no boozing (ha)! I started this on a Monday with a couple of my friends. I went to work and didn’t eat breakfast as usual. Then for lunch I went to get a salad. I am told that I have to eat anything high in protein. So I get a salad and I pack on some blue cheese, tofu, and ranch dressing on to my bed of lettuce. Sound disgusting? It was. I was putting down each bite, with one eye closed looking like a pirate throughout my lunch. So I go back to work feeling a bit nauseous, but not thinking anything of it. As the day went on shit wasn’t right. I called up my friend and asked if I was supposed to feel like this. She said yes and that it takes some getting used to. I sucked it up and went on with my excel sheet. Around 4:30pm I said um yeah this ain’t working. I drove home and right when I got into the house I had a date, making out with my toilet. So I started Atkins at 8am that Monday morning and finished that afternoon around 5pm. That shit don’t work for me people. God knows how my system works. You put in a burrito and you get a happy Jamsheed.

I feel like this post sucks my asshole. Thinking…. I don’t feel like talking about men or sex today. I am definitely not feeling sexy enough to do so. I think I am going to write a poem instead …

Sunshine and lemon drops
Foxes, pickles and reeses peanut butter cups
It is cold in my house
I wish I could be a furry little mouse
Tequila is my friend
Sugar starburst bend
Elephants are poached in Africa
Poached eggs sounds good in Falgrica
Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a new wardrobe?
I want a man to suck on my ear lobe
Orange juice and tinkle berries
Love myself and love a fairy
Nobody cries in baseball
Be nice to homeless people
Your dad is hot

Jamsheed’s DOITDOIT of the day: Go get laid tonight (preferably by something other than your right hand)