Dear MTV,

What the hell. Now, I’m not going to go into some walk five miles in the snow rant about how you never play videos anymore, because that ship sailed long ago and honestly I don’t feel any worse off missing out on the genius of Nickleback. Your VJs are so fantastically boring that I can’t even differentiate them enough from the television commercials in between to say something negative about them. And it’s fairly clear that you’ve pretty much given up on trying to make your current programming halfway decent (The Hills is only good because it goes so far past terrible that it breaks the time space continuum and arrives back at wonderful). But once upon a time you had one of the best sketch comedy shows ever in existence. Like other glimmers of genius (see Freaks and Geeks) it didn’t last long, and after something like 25 episodes The State went away. No one’s asking to you to part the seas of bad television and bring it back, but what is up with announcing the release of the long anticipated dvd, then not delivering? You said this Fall. You PROMISED. We know it’s completed and even packaged, so what the hell is the hold-up? Give us Barry and Levon. We want Doug and his Dad, Old-Fashioned Guy and good old Louie. Just take five minutes from perpetrating the rape and dissolution of our youth culture, and give us the goddamn DVD. And remember. Bbbbring, bbbring… Hello, cheese? NO! Cheese can’t dial a phone.

People ask why I talk about food so much. Why not? All you fuckin skinny rexi wanna be perfect hookers are just denying yourselves the best shit on the planet. I’ve tried to be one of those hookers. Just a bit ago I started the Atkins diet. This is where you eat high amounts of protein and no carbs. Oh, and no boozing (ha)! I started this on a Monday with a couple of my friends. I went to work and didn’t eat breakfast as usual. Then for lunch I went to get a salad. I am told that I have to eat anything high in protein. So I get a salad and I pack on some blue cheese, tofu, and ranch dressing on to my bed of lettuce. Sound disgusting? It was. I was putting down each bite, with one eye closed looking like a pirate throughout my lunch. So I go back to work feeling a bit nauseous, but not thinking anything of it. As the day went on shit wasn’t right. I called up my friend and asked if I was supposed to feel like this. She said yes and that it takes some getting used to. I sucked it up and went on with my excel sheet. Around 4:30pm I said um yeah this ain’t working. I drove home and right when I got into the house I had a date, making out with my toilet. So I started Atkins at 8am that Monday morning and finished that afternoon around 5pm. That shit don’t work for me people. God knows how my system works. You put in a burrito and you get a happy Jamsheed.

I feel like this post sucks my asshole. Thinking…. I don’t feel like talking about men or sex today. I am definitely not feeling sexy enough to do so. I think I am going to write a poem instead …

Sunshine and lemon drops
Foxes, pickles and reeses peanut butter cups
It is cold in my house
I wish I could be a furry little mouse
Tequila is my friend
Sugar starburst bend
Elephants are poached in Africa
Poached eggs sounds good in Falgrica
Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a new wardrobe?
I want a man to suck on my ear lobe
Orange juice and tinkle berries
Love myself and love a fairy
Nobody cries in baseball
Be nice to homeless people
Your dad is hot

Jamsheed’s DOITDOIT of the day: Go get laid tonight (preferably by something other than your right hand)