PENPAL: SARAH PALIN

September 29th, 2008

Dear S.P,

Hey sexy lady. I hope you’re well and that these past few weeks of campaigning haven’t put a damper on your spirits. Don’t let those mean meanies get to you, girl. So your 17 year old daugher Branch or Brussel (or whatever her name is) has a bun in the oven. It’s obviously not the same as those Godless sinners who keep populating below the poverty line (and out of wedlock) in the “ghetto.” I’m sure Thistle is going to be to a great mom. With you as a role model, how could she go wrong?

Also, I’m totally with you on this rape kit thing. You’ve just finally said what everyone’s been thinking. If those sluts are going to go ahead and get themselves raped with their short skirts and open-toed shoes and liberal view points, then they damn well better be ready to cough up the $500 for those pricey rape kits. If this policy had been in place this whole time, then maybe our economy wouldn’t be experiencing such a crisis. And what is with folks getting on your case about the whole you thinking people lived amongst the dinosaurs thing? This is just a case of simple math, people. If God created all animals on the sixth day, and as we all know this is the same day Adam and Eve were created, then obviously they were all real good pals. I mean, we’ve all seen The Flinstones. Speaking of religion, so the preacher at your church hates Jews. Who doesn’t? (Right?)

And forget what all these snobby media elite and experts and professors and intelligent people are saying, your understanding of foreign policy is top notch. What other state could bring Russia a casserole they’re so neighborly? So you just got a passport like a year ago. I’m sure Bono was able to bring you up to speed on everything else. And I for one feel safer knowing you are keeping an eye on that sneaky Putin. And so what if you don’t really know anything about John McCain’s most basic policies, or that you don’t know what the Bush Doctrine is? That’s not your concern. What’s more important is oil drilling in the North Slope, God’s desire for war in Iraq, and chic eyeglasses.

You’ve done more for the female sex than Gloria Steinem and Simone De Beauvoir combined, without the messy and morally reprehensible abortion part. You make me proud to be a woman S.P. All I have to say is, you go, girlfriend. Joe Biden and all the moose of the world better watch out.

xo,
Yasi

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