I hate young hipster wannabe kids soooooo much. Everytime I see one of those fuckin girls in those hot short pants that come up under their bird seed size titties that show half of their ass and those stupid thin headbands that they put on their heads like they are goin to work out I just want to beat the shit out of them. They make me never want to go to festivals and concerts again. I dread thinking how many of them will be there at Coachella. I’m almost thinking not to go. It might be because they are skinny, but I doubt it. I think it’s just a genuine hate I have for their posershitballbreathasses.

Anywho one day soon I will be walking around Coachella with pasties on my nips, a g-string, and cowboy boots. Y’all don’t know me … pilates and that 8-ball I just bought is gonna set my ass straight. Fuck food … who needs it … not me. Taco bell, Chipotle, El Compadre, El Coyote, Alejandros, Burrito king, Del taco, Marias Tinta Pinta, Vamos a la playa, cinco dollares para ti, mucho bien trabajo por que no mas escuela, donde esta comida NO no mas para mi … it’s over. I’m giving you up. I’m shrinking down these coconuts and I’m trading them in for the California raisin.

L-Word recap. I don’t know what’s wrong with me guys, but I am starting to like Tina. Weird I know, but I think she did a really good job playing drunko and I like how she has control over the Bette and Tina situation. Too bad she doesn’t have control over Bette’s barf nugget grandma hair, but hopefully that will come with time. Speaking of California Raisins, I’ve been noticing something that has started to bother me … observe when Shane gets ass and see how she always does this weird thing where she tries to not touch the person while they are making out. It’s almost like a weird African dance. She kisses them and then weirdly contorts her body to have the ugliest slouch and has her arms up in the air behind her as if she will get burned by touching the person’s body. I know she is trying to play this sexy “I’m not goin to touch you but then I cant help it, but then my nipples are too small, oh no my arms are up again, I look like a retard, but I cant touch you, ok fine” freak ass game, but it’s getting old. Next .. I’ll prob get shit for this but during that party scene how did Marlee Matalin hear the music? Obviously I know she didn’t, but how did she dance so on beat. Does she watch everyone else and go by their beat or I’m just lost. Don’t yell at me it’s just a question.

Lastly … Jenny oh god how I hate you. Oh how I want to bash your face in with this disgusting chair that I’m sittin on that looks like it has cum stains everywhere but they are too cheap in this office to buy new equipment and give it to their freelancers while I stare into a computer monitor from 1983. Jenny got ass this past episode people. And she was so embarrassing to watch. One point in particular I’d like to talk about. When her and the new girl go into the closet and the new girl pulls Jenny towards her by her jeans. Then Jenny had all her hair in her face and when the new girl pushes her hair out the way Jenny had this retarded ass look on her face like either she needed to take a shit or cry because she was thinking about those Jewish circus episodes from 2 seasons back or that she hooked up with Max for a long time. Anyways if you didn’t know, I hate her.

Jenny’s look at 6:45 (I just watched it again and I think I exaggerated a bit but just go with it)

Jamsheeds DOITDOIT of the day: Throw a Disney song karaoke party. Only Disney songs. Only at night. Only with booze. Only!

Thoughts by Jamsheed:

Dear Rain,
Please go away,
I want to come out and play,
but all I’ve been doing is selling crap on ebay,
I am broke and its no joke,
Looks like the best way to make money these days is to get poked,
But im not feeling too sexy,
Ashraf has been away in Mexi,
Guess I will pass the time on youporn,
Till the sun comes out to warm

Oh my loyal readers (or just reader, thanks efo) so little to discuss on this dreary afternoon. I was just checkin the Spring 2008 fashion shows online and I have to say they suck my balls. Chanel’s models looked like fuckin elves. However, there was always the amazing Galliano who designs for Christian Dior. That collection is amazing. Correct me if I am wrong … actually I will bet my left tit on it if anyone can get in touch with Galliano and confirm, but I do believe he used Gustav Klimt’s work as inspiration for some of pieces. See above.

So LWord … even though I hate Tina with a passion and think she sucks my nugget ball, I have to say that her scene with the weird augmented-breast doctor was kinda hot. But let’s talk about those breats. Even Tina was in shock because they looked like oversized pomegranates stapled onto her chest. I mean what the hell. I was somewhat disturbed. Anyways, I’m glad Tina is getting ass because Bette needs to realize that her hair looks like my grandmother’s and that she needs to take the pineapple out of her ass and feed it to Shane. I’m in love with Shane as is the world but I need her to gain 10 lbs. I need those raisinette nipples to turn into tangerines. It’s just not appealing. I have to say I am kinda sad. The L Word is dyin out for me. I’m not that excited for Sunday nights anymore.

Anyways, fun news … Jamsheed is hittin up NYC in a couple weeks. I can’t wait to gain 10 lbs and find some man love.

JAMSHEED’S DOITDOIT OF THE DAY: Use THIS SITE. You answer yes or no on presidential issues and then the site determines which presidential candidate best aligns with your beliefs. It is pretty cool. I sound so nerdy … have sex, barf on yourself, slap a bitch, hit an old person.

The Jamshers is back in action and as usual I don’t have anything of great importance to talk about. I’m sitting in an office in downtown LA with seven Persian men, a Mexican and a Mongol. It smells of dust, I’ve just had my tenth tea of the day and Yasi just yelled at me to write the new Jamsheed’s corner.

A few things I would like to discuss. The first one is sweating. I’ve realized that I dont sweat as much as I did in high school. It was pretty bad then. I would get so embarrassed sometimes that I would keep my hooded sweatshirt on in 90 degree weather so no one could see my spots. These days only a couple spots here and there … no big deal. Dear God … why didn’t you have me sweat like this then? I could’ve gotten a lot more ass and not have been as self conscious. Whatever at least I was skinny back then … voted best legs on the tennis team. Now I think I’d get voted best legs on the sumo team.

Next I would like to discuss New Year’s … there’s nothing much to discuss. My vagine didn’t get any attention, 5 hours of my night was spent waiting for cabs, 30 secs was spent talking to a guy who was stupid enough to eat garlic for dinner, and at the end of the night I realized why I haven’t spent New Year’s in LA for the past 6 yrs.

Lastly, but most importantly, I want to discuss the L word. For all the wannabe lesbians who just can’t bring themselves to go downtown on the jungle of love, the L word is the show to watch. The cast is comprised of every good looking lesbian on the planet. The rest are just ugly with hairy legs and cats or if you’ve had a one nighter the girl was probably so drunk she forgot she was straight. Anyways the second episode of the 4th season just aired and I’ve never laughed so hard at how retarded the show actually is. The dialogue is so stupid that I still can’t believe its on the air but I am glad it is bc Shane is the love of my life. If you watch the show note how fuckin stupid Bette’s hair is. It looks like the hair of a 90 yr old Persian woman shopping at Elat market. Tina is still the ugliest person with lips so thin they can give you paper cuts on your vagine. Jenny needs to DIE and then DIE again. The one thing that disturbed me the most last night is Helena and the man woman scary butch pyscho. Who the hell is that person and who the fuck were all those disgusting looking lesbians in the shower that had African style titties. I am so glad my boobs don’t look like that. Esther and Pinta are as perky as a 2 yr olds ass. What else … oh yeah I know it’s mean but I honestly did not understand one word Marlee Matalin said. They need to have the subtitles on 24/7 for that shit.

JAMSHEED’s DOITDOIT of the day: Obviously most of my doitdoits are about food so … go try out this fuckin bomb ass pizza on Hollywood blvd. It is on the corner that is across the street from Toi. No idea what it’s called but they put sesame seeds on the crust and it rocks my world. Secondly, if you want to see Shane and try and slip her your number, hoping she will just take you in the bathroom and have your way with her go to Falcon on Sunday nights for the L word viewing. She has apparantly been there the past 2 Sundays with fuckin Paris Hilton of all people. (I hope they didn’t do it). Ok I’m done. The end.

(*Cultist does not necessarily share the views of Jamsheed and cannot be held accountable for any offense, lawsuits, or violent spasms occuring as a result of these posts. )

Jamsheed has been out for some time people and I want to apologize for that. I had a lot of work to do downtown … yelling at manufacturers in China because they couldnt get me my 500 yds of denim on time. Plus, I had a problem with my silver suit. Also, Jamsheed has been hungover, hitting up all these holiday parties. I love these parties … making out with Santa Claus, as well as his helpers, drinking Jack straight out the bottle and dancing to James Brown with one shoe on. The best is passing out with a beanie and all your nice clothes in a bed and having some drunk fat man sit on your head thinking it was a pillow. Oh yes, tis the season to be jolly. I also love how after these holiday parties people Facebook you thinking you might remember them. Jamsheed doesnt know who the hell you are. I might have talked to you or made out with you or even punched you in the face but I don’t remember.

What I do remember is this one halloween where my friend asked me to go to this stupid bar in Santa Monica with her. She said you have to dress up so of course I dressed up in my pirate costume, beard and sword included. We get to the place and I walk in there with my outfit and notice that not a damn soul is dressed up so I’m the dumbass looking like a pirate. Plus the girls I went with of course dressed in their slutty playboy or tranny outfit that looked like a regular thursday night getup. I was the only poor soul. So what did I do … I got drunk and made out with a dude. And when he asked me to take off the beard I slapped him and then proceeded to mouth rape him. Jamsheed lives!

YASI’S DOITDOITDOIT OF THE DAY (BECAUSE JAMSHEED FORGOT):

2 dudes, 1 blog, fun for everyone. CLICK HERE

People ask why I talk about food so much. Why not? All you fuckin skinny rexi wanna be perfect hookers are just denying yourselves the best shit on the planet. I’ve tried to be one of those hookers. Just a bit ago I started the Atkins diet. This is where you eat high amounts of protein and no carbs. Oh, and no boozing (ha)! I started this on a Monday with a couple of my friends. I went to work and didn’t eat breakfast as usual. Then for lunch I went to get a salad. I am told that I have to eat anything high in protein. So I get a salad and I pack on some blue cheese, tofu, and ranch dressing on to my bed of lettuce. Sound disgusting? It was. I was putting down each bite, with one eye closed looking like a pirate throughout my lunch. So I go back to work feeling a bit nauseous, but not thinking anything of it. As the day went on shit wasn’t right. I called up my friend and asked if I was supposed to feel like this. She said yes and that it takes some getting used to. I sucked it up and went on with my excel sheet. Around 4:30pm I said um yeah this ain’t working. I drove home and right when I got into the house I had a date, making out with my toilet. So I started Atkins at 8am that Monday morning and finished that afternoon around 5pm. That shit don’t work for me people. God knows how my system works. You put in a burrito and you get a happy Jamsheed.

I feel like this post sucks my asshole. Thinking…. I don’t feel like talking about men or sex today. I am definitely not feeling sexy enough to do so. I think I am going to write a poem instead …

Sunshine and lemon drops
Foxes, pickles and reeses peanut butter cups
It is cold in my house
I wish I could be a furry little mouse
Tequila is my friend
Sugar starburst bend
Elephants are poached in Africa
Poached eggs sounds good in Falgrica
Wouldn’t it be amazing to have a new wardrobe?
I want a man to suck on my ear lobe
Orange juice and tinkle berries
Love myself and love a fairy
Nobody cries in baseball
Be nice to homeless people
Your dad is hot

Jamsheed’s DOITDOIT of the day: Go get laid tonight (preferably by something other than your right hand)