Dear MTV,

What the hell. Now, I’m not going to go into some walk five miles in the snow rant about how you never play videos anymore, because that ship sailed long ago and honestly I don’t feel any worse off missing out on the genius of Nickleback. Your VJs are so fantastically boring that I can’t even differentiate them enough from the television commercials in between to say something negative about them. And it’s fairly clear that you’ve pretty much given up on trying to make your current programming halfway decent (The Hills is only good because it goes so far past terrible that it breaks the time space continuum and arrives back at wonderful). But once upon a time you had one of the best sketch comedy shows ever in existence. Like other glimmers of genius (see Freaks and Geeks) it didn’t last long, and after something like 25 episodes The State went away. No one’s asking to you to part the seas of bad television and bring it back, but what is up with announcing the release of the long anticipated dvd, then not delivering? You said this Fall. You PROMISED. We know it’s completed and even packaged, so what the hell is the hold-up? Give us Barry and Levon. We want Doug and his Dad, Old-Fashioned Guy and good old Louie. Just take five minutes from perpetrating the rape and dissolution of our youth culture, and give us the goddamn DVD. And remember. Bbbbring, bbbring… Hello, cheese? NO! Cheese can’t dial a phone.

Dear WGA,

How are you? I hope you are well. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written (and even though I may have used a few nasty words in those letters I sent about that awful haircut you gave Felicity, you know I didn’t really mean them). I’m very sorry about your troubles with the greedy evil studios. You TOTALLY deserve more money for internet shows and whatever else it is you’re pissed about. I know it’s really tough living in Brentwood and your kids’ private school isn’t cheap and lord knows alimony is a bitch. But, um, are you really going to stop writing TV shows? Because I sort of need you. Let’s get serious, my life pretty much sucks. I need Dr. House’s cynical witticisms, CSI Grissom’s charming pragmatism, and Ugly Betty’s cheery optimism to keep me going. And even though Heidi has a gigantic chin and I want to punch Spencer in the throat, I neeeeeeeeeeed them. Don’t even get me started on McSteamy and McDreamy.

So what I’m saying is, please don’t punish us, the innocent, during this time of duress. Please don’t leave me. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I wrote you a poem which I put under your windshield wiper in Lot 7 in the Fox lot. I hope you like it.

P.S Do you always leave your house for the picket line at 9:17 am?