“Hey Brenda, hey Kelly, can I sit with you guys for lunch? … oh … there’s no room at the table? But I see a seat right next to Steve … oh … he has the flu? Maybe we can do something later like go shopping at Westside Pavilion? I saw these really awesome floral culottes on sale… oh you don’t buy things on sale? Ok … hey Dylan do you want to come help me study for the algebra test on Thursday? … oh …you don’t know how to spell algebra? Ok um I’m going to the Peach Pit to hang out with Nat. I will see you guys later.”

I never really was accepted at West Beverly High. I mean I even had the coolest brown leather backpack. I know that my tights were a bit from the 80’s, but like c’mon. Whatever. It is sad too because after they started filming that show at school called 90210 no one even acknowledged me. The producers told me that I could be an extra. I was so devastated. Everyone started calling me the 90210 extra. Fuck Kelly and fuck Brenda. I am glad Kelly fucked Dylan and Brenda now has horse teeth and no one will touch her pussy. Fuck high school!

Side Note: The perfect day… My college applications are done and sent, I am freshly waxed, I am 20 lbs lighter, my model Fortune 500 smart as hell makes me pee from laughter boyfriend brings me home sushi and green tea mochi balls, and has gymnastic sex with me while feeding me my sushi and is always kind enough to put some ginger on each bite too, while we watch “I Love New York”

JAMSHEED’S DOITDOIT OF THE DAY:

This is for the ladies … how long has it been since you have had a proper sleepover with your girls? I am talking 90210 reruns, weed, chips, dip, weed, pajamas, sleeping bags, laughing and all the weed in the world. I am not talking about hey girls come over let’s drink a bottle of absinthe, get naked, dance to Kelly Clarkson, make out with each other, and then not speak in the morning. I am talking proper sleepover. It is necessary! Call up your girls and do it do it.

(*Cultist does not necessarily share the views of Jamsheed and cannot be held accountable for any offense, lawsuits, or violent spasms occuring as a result of these posts. )

Am I not a hot beast? (Insert a Barry White song and say the next couple of lines very slowly). Mmmmmm, hot like a perfectly made burrito from Chipotle with those tender juicy mouth-watering nuggets of steak, a hot piece of bagel with whipped Trader Joe’s cream cheese, lox, tomatoes, and avocado perfectly placed on the hot piece of bagel with a dash of salt? Jamsh gets them all …

Just the other night I was cutting a rug over at a swanky LA nightclub when I was approached by a rather tall woman. She came up to me and said “You look like the woman in my paintings.” Being that I was tossed on a few tequila cranberries, I carried on with this interesting conversation. We discussed how we were both artists. She lived in NY and was just visiting LA. Then out of nowhere she says “I think you’re gorgeous, you should take down my number.” I already had my Blackberry out and before I could even mutter out an uhh umm well um, she grabbed my BB, entered in her digits and then texted herself. She then looks up at me and says “Just to clarify, I am very interested in you.” Um ok thanks bye. I had to say something so I didn’t look like a retard douche bag, so I said “Where are you going after your stay in LA. She says hesitantly, “I am going to New Zealand” I asked why and there was just silence. I thought she didn’t hear me so I asked again a little louder. Silence. Then a smirk forms and she says “Umm I am going to visit my girlfriend.”

I am hungover and tired of writing … long story short I did some googlin’ and found that her girlfriend is the very same lezi actress goin to jail for 6 months for a little drinking and driving (her name rhymes with Lichelle Fodriguez), and that her tall ass is a Victoria’s Secret model. Oh yeah and that I am hot. Slap my ass and tickle my nipple. Actually don’t touch my nipples. I’m not that into it.

I end with Jamsheed’s DOITDOIT of the day: If you work in front of a computer all day long, punch your fist through that shit, go get a Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell (no meat, no sour cream, extra beans). Take that shit home, eat it, then watch porn (definitely do not do that at the same time. I got sick once), then masturbate, then take a nap.

Btw, I am hungry.

(*Cultist does not necessarily share the views of Jamsheed and cannot be held accountable for any offense, lawsuits, or violent spasms occuring as a result of these posts. )